It’s summer. I live on an island. It is awesome. We have our pick of local beaches, both public and private. We go to a beach several times a week; our beach bag is always packed and ready to go. 

Because of the frequency with which we visit the beach, I have noticed some unsavory characters at the beach, and some really annoying behaviors. These people ruin the beach for everyone else. These people are beach douches. If you want to go to the beach and enjoy yourself and have at least SOME good beach etiquette, don’t be one of the following people.

The Single Person Who Clearly Does Not Think Children Should Be On The Beach

This Beach Douche is usually an older lady, but is sometimes an older man, or even a young girl. They come to the beach with their one towel, water bottle, headphones and book to relax and enjoy the beach. COOL. The beach is an awesome place to relax. But my kid runs by this person in their excitement to get to the water, and accidentally kicks a bit of sand onto the Beach Douche, and the Beach Douche totally overreacts. LADY. I apologized. My kid apologized. This is not YOUR beach. Kids come here. Kids fuck everything up. BELIEVE me, I know. But a bit of errant sand is not going to kill you. Ugh stop rolling up your towel and huffing angrily; you don’t need to leave. Ok fine, go. The beach is much more pleasant without your disgruntled ass. Go home to your cats. 

The Mom Who Is Freaking Out About Keeping Sand Off Her Beach Blanket

Oh, that’s cute. You saw on Pinterest that using an upside down fitted sheet with your cooler and bags stuffed into the corners keeps sand off. Honey. Sweetie pie. We are at the beach. The sand is literally fucking everywhere. Have you not learned by now that kids ruin everything? Is your home spotless? Those kids of yours are going to kick sand onto the sheet. There will also be sand in your buttcrack, under your boob folds, in your hair, and in every crevice of your minivan until you trade it in. RELAX. Accept the sand. Stop yelling at your kids. 

The Family That Refuses To Share The Toys They Brought

Look, I get that kids are territorial. I also get that you went to Walmart and spent $10 on shiny new cheap plastic manufactured in China sand toys. Wow, ten whole dollars. Look at you ballin’. Is it really the end of the world if other kids want to play with your sand toys? Oh my God, you might actually not go home with all 12 of the little shovels and crab shaped sand molds. Who cares? You don’t need to go over to that little boy and snatch the toy away from him because you paid for it with your hard earned money. Dump the toys onto the sand and let the kids have at it. Aren’t we supposed to be a community of moms here? Aren’t we teaching our kids that sharing is caring? Oh, you are one of those moms who doesn’t believe in sharing. Well I’m not sharing this beer I snuck in my bag. So there. *insert tongue sticking out*

Smokers

I know we are at a public beach, but have some frickin courtesy. Just because you want to suck on that cancer stick and destroy your health doesn’t mean the rest of us should have to inhale that shiz. It’s GROSS. I don’t want to smell it, I don’t want my kids to smell it. Can you really not go 2 whole hours without smoking? Oh and where are you going to put that butt? Since you’re being so COURTEOUS and all I’m sure you are definitely not leaving it in the sand for a small child to pick up and munch on. I’m sure you’re going to walk to the nearest trash can and dispose of your butt properly. Oh and hey. Stop cussing in front of my kids. I watch my fucking mouth around my kids, ok? You should too. 

The Mom Angrily Digging a Hole For Her Kids and Not Sharing It

Dude. You need some Prozac or something. You do not get to stake claim in some prize Beach real estate at the water line and not allow anyone else on your “property.” All the kids at the beach think the giant hole you dug for your kids is really awesome. They all wish their moms would get off their saggy asses and dig a giant hole for them. They want to be near your glorious hole (I bet your husband doesn’t). Oh snap, did you just tell my 14mo child that he can’t play in YOUR hole? Did you seriously pick up a little girl and shoo her away from the hole? Oh and now you’re telling your own child loud enough for me and the other moms to hear that it’s ok for him to tell all the other kids to stop destroying the hole? Guess what. The WAVES from the OCEAN are destroying the hole. You are seriously unhinged, lady. I can see the fear and embarrassment in your kid’s eyes. I hope he knows what a douche you are. I hope you get some help for your OBVIOUS mental problems. Next time, stay home. 

I hope you, reader, are not a Beach Douche. I hope you know how to be a decent human being when you’re at the beach. Would you like one of these beers that I snuck in my bag? Here’s a red Solo cup so we don’t get caught.