If you’re like me, you have so many to-do’s and deadlines and social commitments your menstrual cycle is the last thing on your mind. Who keeps track of their periods, other than women trying to (or not to) get pregnant? Well, I guess if you’re on some type of hormonal birth control you probably know when your period is coming. Or not coming. Every month my life is suddenly shit for 5-7 days and I’m like WHAT IS HAPPENING!!?? So instead of downloading a period app or putting little red dots on my calendar every month, I decided to create a handy guide for girls like me to keep track of when your period is coming, using the symptoms. Here we go!

1. Everyone around you is a moron. Everyone. You wonder how the heck these idiots have survived as long as they have. Bunch of mouth breathers.

2. Every thing your spouse/SO does makes you wonder what the walls would look like painted with their blood.

3. You find yourself purchasing food-like items with which you would not normally pollute your temple (those frozen taquitos look AMAZING right now. I bet they’d be delicious dipped in Nutella).

4. You find yourself on an emotional roller coaster while watching an episode of Bubble Guppies.

5. You are so tired your eyes have gone squinty. You just wanna take a nap RIGHT HERE. Coffee does not help.

6. Every time your phone dings a notification you think, “What do you people WANT from me!?” You might even say it out loud. You might even shout it.

7. You cry while watching something on TV you’ve seen before that never affected you this way. Possibly it’s a dog food commercial.

8. You go into a blind rage over something deep down inside you know is really quite trivial, but you rage on. Possibly this rage results in a hole in your wall, a broken dish, or your children’s toys in the trash.

9. You wonder how your box of wine got empty already.

10. You wonder why your secret stash of chocolate is all gone.

11. You wonder why your pants are so tight and you look similar to the Michelin Man.

12. You realize you haven’t pooped in 3 days.

13. You are super confused. About everything. You can’t concentrate on anything long enough to accomplish anything. You can’t even finish a sentence. You might find yourself standing in an aisle at the grocery store wondering what the hell you were about to pick up. This must be what dementia is like.

14. You have massive anxiety about absolutely nothing. You might hear someone whispering and you’re sure they’re whispering about you. You might find yourself at a social gathering internally screaming about how ridiculously awkward you are. Everything out of your mouth is instantly regretted.

15. You have a profound, animalistic urge to mate but your bitchiness is a serious deterrent for your would-be mating partner. In other words, you are incredibly horny but you can’t figure out how to tone down the bitch factor enough for him to JUST PUT IT IN ALREADY.

So there it is. Fifteen signs to help you ladies know when your period is coming. I hope this guide is helpful. How about you? How do you know your period is coming? I’d love to hear from you!