Ok guys, I have been brainstorming this blog post for a long time, unsure how I wanted to formulate it; however, I just saw a post on Facebook that propelled me to finally put my thoughts into words.

Some ignorant microbiology student shared a photo of a petri dish covered in multiple bacterial colonies. It’s an experiment in which a microbiology professor asks the class to inoculate an agar plate with a culture from their surface of choice, then incubate the plate for a few days to see what grows. I did this same experiment when I was a micro student. I don’t remember what surface I cultured, but all the cultures grew a bunch of bacterial colonies and we were all grossed out at how many “germs” live on the surfaces we touch. This micro student stuck her Petri dish under a hand dryer in a public bathroom, which resulted in about 5 large bacterial colonies growing in her dish. The photo had the hashtags #nomorehanddryers, #outlaw, and #spreadthenews, and it had been shared over 300,000 times.

Let me explain something to you germophobes: bacteria live EVERYWHERE. They were here long before humans were. They can live in ice and they can live in the center of the earth. Some are pathogenic to humans (meaning they can make us sick), but most aren’t. Our bodies contain billions of strains of bacteria which we need to survive. Ever heard of a probiotic? It is a source of bacteria that is beneficial to our bodies. It can come in pill form, added to yogurt (which I don’t really understand since dairy is known to cause inflammation in humans), or can come in the form of fermented foods and drinks such as kimchi and kombucha. You could crush up a probiotic, sprinkle it on an agar dish, and you’d get a similar result.

Want to have your mind blown? The bacteria that was living in the air dryer that micro student cultured was able to thrive because it was thermophilic. This means the bacteria can only survive in a warm environment. So it’s no surprise that they grew at such a rapid rate when sealed in a warm incubator. News flash, germophobes: cold and flu viruses LOVE the cold. That’s why they thrive in the cold winter months, known as–DUH–cold and flu season!

I mentioned kombucha as a fermented probiotic drink. Probiotics are one way to keep your body in a healthy state, with enough “good” bacteria to fight off colds and flu, yeast infections, even depression and anxiety. Yep. Kombucha is made by taking a big giant bacterial colony and feeding it sweet tea. The bacteria eats all the sugar in the sweet tea and turns the tea into a vinegar-like substance. It’s like vinegar soda. Just like the giant bacterial disc (SCOBY, to those in the know) that is needed to make kombucha, ALL bacteria feed off of sugar. And this brings me to my list of why you’re sick:

1. Your shit diet is literally feeding pathogenic invaders. Our bodies are constantly under attack from invaders. Some of them can make us sick, others are just dumped into our lymphatic systems to be processed out through urine or stool. When we encounter pathogenic invaders, such as “bad” bacteria, cold & flu virus, these invaders are HANGRY. Guess what they want to eat? Sugar. And if you are constantly stuffing sweets, processed foods, and simple carbs such as crackers, bread, pasta and pretzels into your pie hole, then your body is basically a giant silo of food for viruses and bacteria. They’re so happy you’re feeding them, they can multiply rapidly and make you sick! Hooray for them!

2. You are over-sanitizing your home. So since our bodies are constantly under attack from invaders, our immune systems are nice and strong and active, right? Not necessarily. Our immune systems can only be strong and active if we are letting them fight off plenty of invaders! Barring known pathogenic invaders such as salmonella and E. coli, we should be exposing ourselves to lots of invaders on a daily basis. Get outside and play! Dig in the dirt! Plant flowers, herbs and veggies! Rake the leaves! Pick up sticks! And for God’s sake stop regularly sanitizing your surfaces! Let your immune system flex its muscles in the gym of germs.

3. You aren’t eating organic. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that most of our produce, unless certified organic or sourced from a farmers market where a kindly farmer in a straw hat has promised otherwise, is sprayed with chemicals designed to kill insects that would eat it. Guess what else these pesticides kill? The beneficial bacteria that lives in the soil, breaks down organic matter, and makes the soil full of nutrients. So if the soil is devoid of nutrients, how can our food grow full of the enzymes and other nutrients that fight off illness and disease once we ingest them? It can’t. Buying produce that has not been chemically treated ensures you are getting the most bang for your buck; you are getting the most nutrient-dense food nature has to offer. You also aren’t poisoning your body with chemicals. And if you think for one second that the poison that kills insects isn’t also poisoning you, building up in your system and just waiting to cause cancer, you are dead wrong. The only people who say these chemicals aren’t harmful to humans are the companies who make them, or the scientists and lobbyists on their payroll.

4. You take too many antibiotics, or eat meat that has been treated with them. Don’t get me wrong; antibiotics are wonderful, life-saving drugs. Isn’t it amazing that mold can be used to treat against pathogenic bacteria that could kill us? But if you’re taking antibiotics for every little ailment, you are wiping out all the good bacteria, which your body needs to function, as well as the bad. Without the good bacteria, we cannot fight off the next round of invaders that comes along. What can you do? Well, since penicillin is made from mold, doesn’t it stand to reason that there are other healing properties in nature? Why, yes! Garlic, onions, cinnamon, ginger, turmeric, and raw honey are just a few examples of foods that have antibacterial and/or antiviral properties. AND, they work WITH your body, instead of wiping out all the beneficial bacteria too. There are also lots of herbs that have strong healing properties. Check some out at your local health food store!

5. You’re overmedicating your illnesses. Over-the-counter cold and flu remedies are not made to treat any kind of illness. They only alleviate the symptoms. Well, what’s so bad about that? I’m glad you asked! The symptoms of cold/flu are usually your body’s way of fighting off the illness. Take a fever, for example. Remember how I mentioned earlier that cold and flu viruses typically love cold environments? Your amazing body, which has evolved over millions of years to adapt to the environment in which we live, knows this. So, in response to being invaded by a virus, our bodies raise the temperature to try to kill off the virus, while our immune systems send our white blood cells into battle against them. If you are “treating” your fever with a fever reducer, such as Tylenol, you are doing your body a great disservice. Depending on which medicine you take, you may be suppressing your immunologic response entirely. You may be sick for longer. And then the next time your immune system is put to the test, it won’t be as strong as if you had let it do its job. You may even experience a higher fever, since your body learned last time that raising the temperature wasn’t enough to kill off the invader. So what do you do when you have a fever? Take a room temp bath or shower (toss some Epsom salts in there!), drink a broth made from any combination of garlic, honey, ginger, onion, turmeric, cinnamon, and lemon, and REST. I know it’s not something we Americans do easily, but trust your body to do it’s job.

6. You don’t get enough sunshine. The vitamin D we synthesize when our skin is exposed to sunlight is necessary to catalyze an immune response. I know it’s cold outside. Just go for a quick 30 minute walk and stop whining.

Ok so that’s my list. It is not completely comprehensive, and I’m not a doctor or a scientist. I’m just someone who is passionate about everyone being their own wellness advocate. Go see a naturopath so she can tell you these things.

I should mention that I wrote this from my couch, under a pile of sick and feverish children. I can put healthy plant-based meals in front of them, I can explain why the food I prepare for them is way better for them than the chicken nuggets and pizza they always ask for, but I can’t make them eat it. The struggle is real. I have the gift of wellness. And yet I’m still taking care of sick people.

I’m gonna go give these kids a cool bath and make myself some green juice.

Bye.